I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky...
Dougie Southside is an awful reporter. Really Terrible. But he's just-oh-so-gosh-darn personable - a real sweetheart, even - so we love him all the same. Not to mention, he's got 'tha hookup' all over town. Publicists love him. Case and point: Free entry and Very Important Person Status at last night's ultra-exclusive,
top-hat-n-tails, BOWTIED event, featuring cultural soul poet and "90 Second Pop" gladiator of the cable airwaves Toure, and just plain ol' cultured Tom Wolfe. Intrepid reporters of other people's reporting are we, so over to you, Dougie.
Tom "I Founded New Journalism And Hung Out With The Best And Brightest Literary Minds Of Post-WWII America" Wolfe arrived at The Great Hall at Peter Cooper's Union rather fittingly, in the sidecar of a WWII-era motorcycle whose color was taupe. No helmet, but he did wear a pocket handkerchief. Toure "Catch Me On VH1's Remember the 80s" Toure apparently flew. Because Toure can fly. Once the evening's honored guests arrived, both scanned the crowd before mounting the stage. Tom Wolfe was of course wearing his famous fuschia suit. Toure was of course wearing his famous hair. Three dreadlocked audience members were in silent competition with Toure for coolest hair in the auditorium. All four contestants lost miserably to the woman seated 15th row, center, who wore a smashing Joan Didion.
A pre-arrival poll conducted by myself confirmed that most were here to hear Toure read, get autographs from Toure, see Toure play music, and ask questions of Toure. I distinctly heard someone whisper behind me, "I've seen that black guy before on the cable TV, but who's the prick in the white suit?" But more importantly, who was the prick in the audience with a white suit? Oh, ok, it's seersucker. I guess that's OK. I also heard someone speaking French. I guess they must have VH1 in France too.
First, Toure "The Young Man To Watch In The Literary Arena, Or So Says Tom Wolfe" Toure read from his debut novel Soul City.
Tom Wolfe smiled, red-facedly. Then, remained quizzical.
And then, Tom "Wasn't Really At That Hell's Angel's Party At Kesey's Where Neal Cassady's Wife Got Gangbanged By Hell's Angels -- It Was Actually Hunter Thompson" Wolfe then read from his debut novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons. Then he did an old soft shoe routine.
Tom Wolfe made a point of establishing that Toure is "Ronald Firbank with street cred," which is bizarre, since he said the exact same thing - just different - on the jacket of Toure's book: "Ronald Firbank with street swagger." I don't know what that means.
Tom Wolfe actually said the words, "Yo, you take my testicles and suck them like a popsicle."
Toure seemed nonplussed.
At one point, moderator George Campbell said the following words: "Tom, I believe you have a book called The Painted Word, correct? I have no idea what that is about."
And at another point, very different from the last point, the following statement was made, then followed with a question. Like so: "Mister Wolfe, I have read your book about the bonfire. Would you write another book about New York?"
At one point, perhaps at some time between the last two points, one audience member took the opportunity to unburden himself of the soul-crushing weight of his own pretension, distributing it amongst the crowd, and actually said out loud, "As you are both satirical authors, I was wondering what you consider to be the role of didacticism in your work?"
Missing a few beats here…and...there, Toure asked his questioner to use "didacticism" in a sentence.
A sentence was used.
Here now, an incomplete list of questions asked of the night's guests, and the answers provided (where possible):
-Mister Toure, do you know who Paul Beatty is?
-No. And I don't know who Ishmael Reed is either, so don't ask.
-Another one for Mister Toure! Mister Toure, can you fly?
-Yes.
-Tom Wolfe, how many undergrads did you sleep with while researching your book?
-!!!!!!! [At this point in the evening, Tom Wolfe spoke in punctuation. Because he can.]
-Mister Toure, I have a two-part question. Where did you purchase your shoes? Are they Adidas?
-Yes, and yes.
-Tom Wolfe, Tom Wolfe, over here! What's you next book going to be about? By that I mean on what and where are you conducting you famous research?
-Immigration. And Hedge Funds. Queens. And Wall Street.
-Toure, Toure, over here! What is the next decade you're going to delve not-that-deeply into on VH1? By that I mean what is the next decade you are going to delve not-that-deeply into on VH1?
- The Oughts seem pretty hot right now, knamean?
-Tom Wol--I'm sorry, I mean T-Bone: "Are we more selfish today than we were in 1960?
-[Long-winded, though highly competent answer, in the negative]
-But what I mean, T-Bone, is are we more selfish NOW than we were back THEN?
-Oh, God, no.
-Hey, Toure. I made a rhyme. That was not my question. Toure, is that Mary-Kate Olsen in the 3rd row, stage right?
-No, It's Ashley. Next.
A few things I learned from Tom Wolfe and Toure:
1. Sweden and America are the only countries with co-ed dorms at their colleges.
2. Tom Wolfe neither wants to call his teacher/professor "Tommy," nor watch anyone named "Tommy" teach a class in a wifebeater. He blames much, or what seems like pretty much all of what's gone wrong with post- 1960's American culture on such student-teacher familiarity.
3. Tom Wolfe not only knows what a wifebeater is, but is unafraid to say the word wifebeater in public.
4. Tom Wolfe's nickname is T-Bone.
5. Toure writes writerly notes to himself on Post-Its.
6. When Toure acquires 75-100 Post-Its, it is then time to being work on a new novel.
7. Tom Wolfe wears white-framed reading glasses.
8. The definition of the word "hypnopompic": the transition state of semiconsciousness between sleeping and waking.
9. Toure can fly.
10. Square-jawed women are beautiful. Like Maria Shriver. Or just that Tom Wolfe has the hots for Maria Shriver.
top-hat-n-tails, BOWTIED event, featuring cultural soul poet and "90 Second Pop" gladiator of the cable airwaves Toure, and just plain ol' cultured Tom Wolfe. Intrepid reporters of other people's reporting are we, so over to you, Dougie.
Tom "I Founded New Journalism And Hung Out With The Best And Brightest Literary Minds Of Post-WWII America" Wolfe arrived at The Great Hall at Peter Cooper's Union rather fittingly, in the sidecar of a WWII-era motorcycle whose color was taupe. No helmet, but he did wear a pocket handkerchief. Toure "Catch Me On VH1's Remember the 80s" Toure apparently flew. Because Toure can fly. Once the evening's honored guests arrived, both scanned the crowd before mounting the stage. Tom Wolfe was of course wearing his famous fuschia suit. Toure was of course wearing his famous hair. Three dreadlocked audience members were in silent competition with Toure for coolest hair in the auditorium. All four contestants lost miserably to the woman seated 15th row, center, who wore a smashing Joan Didion.
A pre-arrival poll conducted by myself confirmed that most were here to hear Toure read, get autographs from Toure, see Toure play music, and ask questions of Toure. I distinctly heard someone whisper behind me, "I've seen that black guy before on the cable TV, but who's the prick in the white suit?" But more importantly, who was the prick in the audience with a white suit? Oh, ok, it's seersucker. I guess that's OK. I also heard someone speaking French. I guess they must have VH1 in France too.
First, Toure "The Young Man To Watch In The Literary Arena, Or So Says Tom Wolfe" Toure read from his debut novel Soul City.
Tom Wolfe smiled, red-facedly. Then, remained quizzical.
And then, Tom "Wasn't Really At That Hell's Angel's Party At Kesey's Where Neal Cassady's Wife Got Gangbanged By Hell's Angels -- It Was Actually Hunter Thompson" Wolfe then read from his debut novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons. Then he did an old soft shoe routine.
Tom Wolfe made a point of establishing that Toure is "Ronald Firbank with street cred," which is bizarre, since he said the exact same thing - just different - on the jacket of Toure's book: "Ronald Firbank with street swagger." I don't know what that means.
Tom Wolfe actually said the words, "Yo, you take my testicles and suck them like a popsicle."
Toure seemed nonplussed.
At one point, moderator George Campbell said the following words: "Tom, I believe you have a book called The Painted Word, correct? I have no idea what that is about."
And at another point, very different from the last point, the following statement was made, then followed with a question. Like so: "Mister Wolfe, I have read your book about the bonfire. Would you write another book about New York?"
At one point, perhaps at some time between the last two points, one audience member took the opportunity to unburden himself of the soul-crushing weight of his own pretension, distributing it amongst the crowd, and actually said out loud, "As you are both satirical authors, I was wondering what you consider to be the role of didacticism in your work?"
Missing a few beats here…and...there, Toure asked his questioner to use "didacticism" in a sentence.
A sentence was used.
Here now, an incomplete list of questions asked of the night's guests, and the answers provided (where possible):
-Mister Toure, do you know who Paul Beatty is?
-No. And I don't know who Ishmael Reed is either, so don't ask.
-Another one for Mister Toure! Mister Toure, can you fly?
-Yes.
-Tom Wolfe, how many undergrads did you sleep with while researching your book?
-!!!!!!! [At this point in the evening, Tom Wolfe spoke in punctuation. Because he can.]
-Mister Toure, I have a two-part question. Where did you purchase your shoes? Are they Adidas?
-Yes, and yes.
-Tom Wolfe, Tom Wolfe, over here! What's you next book going to be about? By that I mean on what and where are you conducting you famous research?
-Immigration. And Hedge Funds. Queens. And Wall Street.
-Toure, Toure, over here! What is the next decade you're going to delve not-that-deeply into on VH1? By that I mean what is the next decade you are going to delve not-that-deeply into on VH1?
- The Oughts seem pretty hot right now, knamean?
-Tom Wol--I'm sorry, I mean T-Bone: "Are we more selfish today than we were in 1960?
-[Long-winded, though highly competent answer, in the negative]
-But what I mean, T-Bone, is are we more selfish NOW than we were back THEN?
-Oh, God, no.
-Hey, Toure. I made a rhyme. That was not my question. Toure, is that Mary-Kate Olsen in the 3rd row, stage right?
-No, It's Ashley. Next.
A few things I learned from Tom Wolfe and Toure:
1. Sweden and America are the only countries with co-ed dorms at their colleges.
2. Tom Wolfe neither wants to call his teacher/professor "Tommy," nor watch anyone named "Tommy" teach a class in a wifebeater. He blames much, or what seems like pretty much all of what's gone wrong with post- 1960's American culture on such student-teacher familiarity.
3. Tom Wolfe not only knows what a wifebeater is, but is unafraid to say the word wifebeater in public.
4. Tom Wolfe's nickname is T-Bone.
5. Toure writes writerly notes to himself on Post-Its.
6. When Toure acquires 75-100 Post-Its, it is then time to being work on a new novel.
7. Tom Wolfe wears white-framed reading glasses.
8. The definition of the word "hypnopompic": the transition state of semiconsciousness between sleeping and waking.
9. Toure can fly.
10. Square-jawed women are beautiful. Like Maria Shriver. Or just that Tom Wolfe has the hots for Maria Shriver.
posted by M.N.V.L. Local 1430 at 1:13 AM
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